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How do we help kids through these transitions and avoid instability? Kristen Hadfield, a post-doctoral fellow I supervise at the Resilience Research Centre who has been doing research in the US, Ireland and Canada on mothers, stepparents and kids. First, parents are cycling in and out of romantic relationships at a higher rate than ever before.

All those online dating sites are doing what they were intended to do.

That seems to be the best time to share what’s happening. If you’re fortunate enough to go from dating to moving in together and forming a blended family, what role should the new stepparent play?

As I mentioned earlier, custodial parents often want the stepparent to be a real parent with responsibilities for the kids.

The only time it came up was in the US where mothers told Hadfield they sometimes didn’t invite their lovers to live with them and their children because it would do nothing but add one more mouth to feed.

After the Relationship Ends: What do we Tell the Kids?

Fifty percent of these kids are also likely to experience three or more changes in who’s parenting them before the age of 5, and a third will experience another change between the ages of 6 and 12.

Second, parents expected a new romantic partner to help firm up the hierarchy in the family, putting the children back in their place and mom or dad back to being less of a child’s friend and more a parent with rules and expectations.

Strangely, Hadfield found that very few of the people she interviewed talked about money as the main reason for having a live in romantic partner.

In general, though, if the kid and the ex-partner were close, then parents should do what they can to make it easy for their child to stay connected.

In truth, most ex-lovers are not going to want the contact.




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